一、Too Much Control, or Too Loose?

Everyone who has ever led a team, raised a child, or taught a student has faced the same dilemma—

Too much control stifles growth. Decide everything for them, do everything for them, correct everything for them — and they never develop their own judgment.

Too loose, and it tips into neglect. Nothing managed, nothing said — and they may drift, waste away, go astray.

So: control or release?

Laozi in Chapter 49 of the Daodejing offers a deeper answer—

Neither control nor release. Nurture.

But this nurturing is not passive disengagement — it is the hardest active practice: you have already secured every foundation that needed securing, and then you stand quietly to the side and wait for the other person to grow into themselves.

This chapter gives us Laozi's highest vision of developing people—

Nurturing (涵育).

Not the same as "education." Not the same as "laissez-faire."

二、Don't Impose Your Thoughts on Others

Chapter 49 opens with one line—

"The sage holds no fixed mind; takes the people's mind as their own mind."

"No fixed mind" does not mean "having no heart or mind" (every person has a mind; having none is impossible).

Laozi's "mind" often refers to "one's own ideas, one's own desires, what one personally wants."

"Holding no fixed mind, enduringly" means: the sage persistently does not raise the banner of "my own ideas, my own standards."

No banner saying "I think it should be this way," "I want you to become a certain type," "my judgment takes precedence."

"Takes the people's mind as their own mind"—

Takes the people's thoughts and needs as their own thoughts and needs.

This is not "I decide for the people, I represent the people" (that is exactly raising the "I" banner). It means — the sage does not stand apart from the people and erect a separate "my own thoughts." The sage's position is the people's position.

Applied to developing people—

A good developer does not begin by imposing "I think you should be this way" onto the other person. They first set aside their own preconceptions, their own standards, their own expectations of "I hope you become like this"—

and look at what the other person truly needs, what they themselves want to grow into.

Not "I will shape you into what I want," but "I help you grow into what you are."

This is the first step in developing people — and the hardest: first put down "my own thoughts."

三、Being Good to Those Who Aren't Good Yet — That Is True Goodness

Laozi then offers two paired observations—

"Be good to those who are good; also be good to those who are not good — this is the goodness of virtue. Trust those who are trustworthy; also trust those who are not trustworthy — this is the trustworthiness of virtue."

The key is "also" — "as well."

Being good to those who are good — ordinary goodness. Anyone can manage: you treat me well, I treat you well.

Also being good to those who are not yet good — that is a higher goodness.

Why?

Because— being good to those who are good is an exchange (you meet my standard, so I am good to you). Also being good to those who are not yet good is unconditional (you have not yet made it, and I am good to you anyway).

The latter is what Laozi calls "the goodness of virtue" — true, higher-level goodness.

Applied to developing people—

Being patient with the quick, diligent, sharp subordinate is easy. Being patient with the one who hasn't yet clicked, who responds slowly, who keeps making mistakes — still giving them patience, still giving them chances, still believing they can grow — that is true development.

Having patience with the well-behaved child is easy. With the mischievous, defiant, seemingly unteachable child — still not giving up, still believing in them — that is true nurture.

This connects to ch. 38 "Highest virtue is not virtue"— true goodness is not goodness worn as a badge for exchange. It is goodness that does not abandon those who haven't yet arrived.

四、Nurturing Is Waiting

The chapter closes on a very deep image—

"The people all rely on their ears and eyes; the sage treats them all as children."

"All rely on ears and eyes"—

The people are still feeling their way through sensory experience, still groping at the surface, still on the road — have not yet reached the sage's kind of transparency.

In plain terms: the other person has not yet grown up, not yet clicked, is still on the way.

"The sage treats them all as children"—

"Treats as children" means caring for them the way you care for a child.

Here is Laozi's deepest vision of developing people—

Facing someone who has not yet grown up, the sage does not abandon them, does not look down on them, does not force-ripen them — but waits, as with a child, for them to grow on their own.

This is nurturing (涵育).

Nurturing differs from two other things—

Nurturing is not "education" (forcing).

Education often works like: I have a standard; I will shape you to meet it; I push you, press you, correct you. Education can force — raise the banner "I will make you into X" and push hard to bend you that way.

Nurturing does not force.

Nurturing is not "neglect."

Neglect is: I do not manage you; do as you like; what you grow into has nothing to do with me.

Nurturing is not no-management.

So what is nurturing?

Nurturing is—

having already done everything that needed doing, then standing to the side and waiting.

Like a gardener tending a tree—

You cannot grab the sapling and pull it upward (that is forcing growth — you will pull it out and kill it). You also cannot walk away entirely (without care, it may wither).

What you can do is: loosen the soil, water well, leave enough sunlight — and then wait for it to grow on its own.

Waiting is the hardest practice.

While waiting, you watch the other person move slowly, make mistakes, take the long way around — and you itch to step in, to do it for them, to correct it for them, to decide for them—

but you hold back. You know: only what they grow themselves is truly grown.

That is nurturing. That is "the sage treats them all as children."

五、But — Waiting Is Not Inaction

Here is an absolutely critical point that must not be misread—

"Waiting" is not "doing nothing."

This is the absolute line between nurturing and "dereliction, negligence, neglect."

Nurturing's "waiting" and negligent "not working" look identical from the outside—

Both "don't manage the other person's specific affairs," both "don't make decisions for them," both "stand to the side."

But they have one fundamental difference—

The nurturer has already secured the foundation.

Return to the gardener—

The nurturing gardener: the soil is already loosened, the water already given, the sunlight already ensured (all foundations done) — then waits for the tree to grow.

The negligent gardener: doesn't loosen soil, doesn't water, doesn't manage sunlight — does not even do the basics — then calls it "letting it grow naturally."

That is not nurturing. That is neglect. That is dereliction.

Applied to developing people—

The true nurturer has already set up the environment for the team (clear goals, sufficient resources, safe space to fail, stable support) — and then, on the specific question of how to do the work, does not micromanage or decide for the team member, giving them space to grow.

The truly good parent has already secured the foundation for the child (a safe home, basic provision, unconditional love, stable support) — and then, on the child's own choices, does not force control or decide for them, giving the child space to grow.

While the negligent "free-range" approach does not even secure the foundation — no resources, no support, no sense of safety, no basics — and then claims "I am giving them the freedom to grow."

That is laziness, not nurturing.

The complete formula for nurturing—

Secure the foundation (active, effortful, responsible) + do not force where growth must emerge (give space, wait for growth).

Without the first half, "waiting" becomes dereliction.

Nurturing is not inaction. Nurturing is non-forcing after the foundation has been secured.

This is the hardest and highest form of developing people—

you do an enormous amount of work (securing the foundation) while letting the other person feel "I grew this myself."

六、For the Reader

This chapter offers every developer of people — manager, parent, teacher, anyone helping another grow — one question to sit with—

Am I nurturing, or am I controlling too much, or too loose?

If you tend toward too much control—

Do you constantly impose "I think it should be this way" on the other person? Do you step in whenever you see them move slowly or make a mistake?

Try — put down your standards and look at what the other person truly needs.

Remember: only what they grow themselves is truly grown. The more you do for them, the slower they grow. Holding back the urge to step in is the hardest part of nurturing.

If you tend toward too loose—

Do you think "giving space" means "managing nothing"?

Watch out — you may not be nurturing. You may be failing in your duty.

Ask yourself: have I secured the foundation the other person needs? (Resources, support, safety, basic provision.)

If the foundation is not secured, "giving space" is neglect. Secure the foundation first, then talk about "giving space."

True nurturing—

What needs to be secured: secure it fully (active, effortful, responsible).

Where waiting is called for: wait quietly (patient, restrained, trusting).

Neither can be missing.

Return to that dilemma — control or release?

Laozi's answer: neither.

Nurture—

Secure the foundation, and then wait.

Waiting looks like doing nothing. In fact it is the hardest practice—

it requires doing a great deal of foundation work first, then restraining your urge to step in, and trusting quietly that the other person will grow.

And the best developers of people do everything — while leaving the other person feeling: I grew into this myself.

That is what Laozi says—

The sage treats them all as children.

Like treating a child: secure the foundation, and then wait for them to grow into a great tree on their own.